New Fathers Guide: Changing that Diaper!

Listen up!

Now it’s time to go over exactly how you’re going to change a diaper. As inglorious as it may be, it’s a skill every father should learn! Not only will it score points with momma, you will also avoid looking like a schmuck to the rest of the card carrying dads, and that’s important if you ever want to have an ounce of credibility with the gang.

Remember that gear we went over last time? You can review it here if need be. Go over it. Memorize it. That stuff’s important. Moving on. First, we’re going to need a volunteer, because I am not demonstrating this on a real baby! That’s final! Luckily for you, Jedi Master Yoda here has volunteered to assist us. Say hello.

Yoda

Greetings young-one. My diaper, you must change.

Now that we’ve got the introductions out of the way, I want you to pay close attention! It’s practical application time.

First thing you must do after your child has given the signal that he has filled his diaper, is to determine if it’s just wet, dirty, or both. Depending on which it is, will greatly influence what you do next. So how do you determine it? Some hardcore parents out there will actually press their noses up against the aft end of the baby and take a whiff. I do not recommend this. Remember the gas chamber? This can be much worse! In fact, it is entirely possible that CS gas was formulated from baby exhaust. But I digress. Simply give the front of the diaper a gentle squeeze. Is it a little squishy? Then it needs to be changed.

For this demonstration, we’ve determined that Jedi Master Yoda just has a wet diaper. We will assume no Jedi Mind Trick’s were used. Therefore, no mask or gloves are needed for this operation, although you may want to don your face shield if your bundle of joy is a boy or if your baby has been known poop like Scud.

kit

These are the items I have determined are needed for this exercise. The Butt Paste and A&D are optional and are only there in case we determine that Master Yoda has a rash. "A rash, I do not have, young-one."

Above is a picture of items I have determines are necessary. Make sure you have the correct size diaper! The barf rag is a necessary item that you will want to lay down first, placing the baby’s aft end directly on top. If you do not have access to a barf rag, substitute the new diaper, your gonna put it down anyways. I will illustrate this in a moment. A little preventative maintenance goes a long ways in the battle against spillage. Your welcome.

Now lay your barf rag out like so;

barf rag

Lay your barf rag out like so to prevent spillage on momma's new carpet.

Now you can either lay the baby down now or place your new replacement diaper down like discussed above. The choice is yours, but I suggest you go ahead and lay it down if you haven’t already done so. Master Yoda has instructed us to lay the diaper down.

Diaper

Lay the replacement diaper down first before the baby.

Now you must open it.

open diaper

You must open the diaper before placing the baby down upon it. I know it may sound obvious, but I guarantee you will forget to do this at least once.

Make sure the tabs are toward the top. This is important! Otherwise you’ll have a reversed diaper on your hands, risking a MOP 4 incident.

right tab

This is an example of what the right tab may look like on your diaper. Ensure it is toward the top and fully extended.

tab

And this is the left tab. Extend both the right and left tab fully out to the sides. Don't worry if they don't stay that way.

Alright, now that we have our replacement diaper out and fully extended, it’s time to lay the baby on top and unclothe the aft end. Do not remove the dirty diaper at this point. Master Yoda will illustrate.

diaper master

This is how you properly lay your baby out over the top of the replacement diaper and barf rag.

Notice the Velcro tabs? Remember this configuration. Memorize it. Burn it into your mind. Good to go. Next we will need to disengage both tabs on the dirty diaper. Frank will demonstrate how this is done. Frank!

pull the tab

Carefully peel off each tab from the front of the diaper, pulling them to the sides.

Tab

Ensure each tab is properly disengaged and laid out flat. You will be reusing them later.

This is the top or front-facing part of the diaper. You will carefully lift and then fold it back toward you as illustrated by Frank in the two following photographs. Keep in mind that a surprise may be waiting for you on the other side. Be prepared to deal with it. This is where the pliers come into play.

top

This is the top or front-facing part of the diaper. Carefully raise it up and fold it back towards you.

pull it back

Carefully pull the top portion of the diaper back toward you and lay it on top the replacement diaper.

*Note: If you have a little boy baby, be sure to keep that projectile weapon covered until your fully ready to counter-attack with your wipes.

Now grab your wipes and open the lid. Depending on what’s inside baby’s diaper, you may need anywhere from one to however many it takes to get the job done. If you’ve forgotten how to release the wipes from their packaging, refer here for an illustration. You may need to scroll through the article until you find frank pulling out a wipe. Assuming you’re good to go with getting the wipes out, we’ll move on.

Depending on whether Master Yoda here is a boy or a girl, will greatly influence the way you utilize the wipe system. Yoda here has agreed to play the part of a girl with the understanding that he’ll wipe all of our minds at a later date.

As I was saying. Take your wipe and engage the target by wiping from above the baby’s private area down through toward the aft end to the rear exhaust port. If you do not do this, you risk contaminating baby’s urinary tract and giving her a nasty infection, and NO BODY want’s that.

Wipe Top

On a female Yoda, you will wipe from the top down toward the aft end.

Top down

Ending at the exhaust port. Do this as many times as necessary.

Repeat the process until clean. Good to go. Now is a good time to check for diaper rash. Look out for tiny red bumps or anything that looks like a first degree burn. If you find it, liberally apply either Butt Paste or A&D to the effected areas. Be gentle. It hurts!

*Diaper rash is mostly caused by uric acid burning the skin. It’s hurts. Bad. So clean those diapers A.S.A.P. and then treat with appropriate cream. Diaper rash can also occur from poop in the same fashion. If your baby suffers repeatedly from diaper rash, use the ointment or paste with every change to protect that delicate skin.

If you have a messy diaper, it will be necessary to hold the little ones legs up and out of the way while you do your business. Frank will help hold Yoda down while I illustrate.

foot hold

Secure baby's feet with an extra hand and gently lift so that you may have better access to cleaning the exhaust port. My other hand is holding the camera, so I asked Frank to jump in.

Foot wipe

If you have a little girl Yoda, ensure you wipe from the front to back, or Top Down.

Now that Yoda is clean, you can place the waste wipes directly onto the dirty diaper or in a plastic containment bag. Next you will fold the front part of the dirty diaper over like so;

fold it

Fold the diaper over onto itself to ensure containment. Gently pull the entire diaper toward you. Carefully lift baby's aft end if needed.

Having the dirty diaper out of the way, now would be a good time to fold the clean diaper over your sharp-shooters muzzle. Now your gonna want to fold that dirty diaper up into a small containment vessel by reusing the Velcro tabs. Remember those? I will show you how to do this. It’s simpler then it sounds. Just follow the pictures below and even a hard charger like you will understand.

containment

After rolling the diaper upon itself, I've extended the left tab and attached it to the top facing me. Next I'll grab the right and pull it over on top of the other.

Snug tab

Ensure that both tabs are snug up against the diaper. You don't want this baby popping open on you, especially if it's full of unexploded ordnance, nuclear waste or loaded with a Sith trap.

If it’s a smelly dirty diaper, you’ll definitely want to place it inside a plastic bag of some sort and throw it in the trash receptacle outside!

Dirty

Dirty diaper's belong in plastic bags. You'll thank me later.

plastic bag

Tie it off and haul it away outside of the house. Do not throw it in the kitchen trash bin. Think gas chamber.

Now it’s time to properly secure that fresh new diaper onto Jedi Master Yoda. Follow along as I illustrate once again.

new diaper

Pull the front-facing part of the new diaper up and over the baby's aft end and properly secure it.

press down

Gently press down and hold with one hand while the other secures it with a Velcro tab.

Tabs

Both tabs should be pulled snugly over the top and secured down. Get some help if you need an extra hand.

left tab secured

Press down gently but firmly on the Velcro to ensure it is properly engaged.

right tab

Repeat on the opposite side. Make sure the elastic strap isn't pinching any skin and that the diaper is on straight.

secured

Make your diaper look like mine. Secured! Good to go.

After you have properly secured the new diaper, replace baby’s clothes and give yourself a pat on the back. You’ve just changed your first diaper. Congratulations! Yoda will be proud! HOORAH!

Proud Yoda

Proud I am of you. A great diaper changer, you will become.

You have just Marine proofed your baby as far as diapers are concerned. Outstanding! Your gonna be an Officer some day! Or at least changing an Officers diaper.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this mission.

Semper Fidelis.