New Fathers Guide: Tools of the Trade. What you need to survive!

Eyeballs!

Alright! So your pretty confident that you know what a diaper is, what type you need and where to get them if you’ve run out. If not, refer back to my previous post entitled: New Fathers Guide to Buying Diapers. Today we will be discussing some of the tools of the trade. Stuff you will typically find in a house full of babies. As always, Frank will help me illustrate.

Do not worry, this will only take a few minutes of your time, but enclosed is some important information, or “NFO” for you savvy folk, that will not only make your life easier but will help you survive and dispose of the inevitable biological weaponry that will be utilized against you.

First, every mother knows and understands that you must have a diaper bag or some sort. They are usually blue with some sort of flowery design on them. This is an important piece of hardware that should be included in every New Marine Father’s 782 gear. The Gunny knows and understands what your feeling right about now. There is no possible way that you are carrying that pansy bag around on your shoulder. I am here to tell you, that you will be glad that you did. If you don’t like the blue, go for the pink.

Inside a typical diaper bag will be “daipers”. You got it. A plus. But there is another equaly important peice of equipment that we have yet to identify. FRANK!

wipes

The wipe is an equally essential peice of equipment that should be found in each and every New Marine Fathers 782 gear.

Behind Frank is a blue package of generic Costco brand wipes. These are excellent and I prefer them to the disgusting slime that is Pampers and the inferior material that is Huggies wipes. They come in a large box and I suggest you buy as many as you can afford. You will need them!

Now some of you saltier dogs out there are probably already familiar with the wipe. Having served in hot climates myself, I’ve been known to have taken a few wipe baths to supplement my canteen shower.

Now, to get the wipe out of the package, you typically have to open the top and peel back a little moisture retaining sticker. Don’t worry, it’s Marine proofed and marked “REMOVE”. After you have discarded it in the proper receptacle, your going to want to fish the first one out. Frank will demonstrate how to properly remove a wipe.

pulling the wipe

Frank demonstrates the proper technique to extracting wipes from the container.

Hoorah Frank, you keep it up and I’ll personally recommend you for a promotion!

We will go over proper wipe usage at a later date. For now I want you to concentrate on this picture.

tools

These are some of the typical baby care tools you should find in your 782 gear.

The pink blob in the back, is the CO’s personal diaper bag. She has long since 86’d the pansy one in favor of a more practical design. You will see;

  1. A plastic bottle with a lid on it. Do not forget the lid! It will both keep the nipple clean and keep the milk in!
  2. Just below it is a pacifier. This one is totally up to you. I personally do not use them because it leads to dependance and thumb sucking.
  3. A ziploc bag containing extra baby clothes in case the little one has a blow out. You’ll be glad you have the bag, trust me!
  4. A red bulb syringe; for sucking out that green and yellow gunk out of baby’s nose.
  5. Above that is a plastic sack. Where do you think you’re going to put that biological ordinance after baby spreads the wealth?
  6. Below that is a bottle of gas drops. Some babies gulp air when they suck, which causes absolute chaos with their little tummies. You’ll know it if she’s doing it, because she will exhibit a superior talent for man farts.
  7. Just below that is a tube of generic Vitamin A&D. Good for diaper rash, sore bums and chapped lips. Use it liberally.
  8. Below that is a pair of infant nail clippers. Self explanatory.
  9. To the left is a sample of Butt Paste. HOORAH! Like A&D, but thicker. Careful, it’s brown and gritty.
  10. Under it all is a barf rag in the eventuality the little one expels on your uniform.

I left the diapers and wipes out to save room for this composition. Just close your eyes and make believe they’re there if it bugs you.

Now a well prepared mother will have a few extra items in the kit. Check it out.

baby care tools

Can you spot the differences of tools that are included in this kit?

What jumps right out at you? Ten points if you saw the monkey. That’s right. A well prepared mother, will always have some sort of entertainment device prepared and ready for the little one and you should too. So don’t forget the monkey!

Now, the Gunny has another version of this kit that I think you will agree is more appropriate. Look below to see what I mean.

gunny's additions

Pictured here is additional equipment that you will be glad you have included inside your 782 gear!

  1. A face shield. Especially if you have a boy. You may not understand this yet, but that little boy comes equipped with water cannon and the last thing you want when changing his diaper, is pee in the eye.
  2. To the right of the face shield is box of exam gloves. This should be self explanatory.
  3. To the right of that, is a light duty ear-loop mask. Like the doctor wear when they want to make funny faces at you without you knowing. This only serves to make you feel better and wont really protect you against fumigants.
  4. Below the ear-loop is a pair of goggles. If you don’t have access to the face shield or find a little too bulky, give these a try.
  5. Then comes a mas used for typically in the painting industry. This one is made by 3M and comes equipped with two filters. It will keep you alive in a pinch. Trust me! It works for toxic inhalants, and it’ll work for anything the baby can dish out. Get extra filters!
  6. Below that is an extra ziploc. Can’t have too many of these.
  7. In the center you will see duct tape for your everyday Marine proofing needs like taping up an exploded diaper. Get a roll.
  8. Finally we have a pair of needle nose pliers in case you don’t have any gloves or you find the weaponry too powerful for standard equipment. These are typical multi-tools and have many uses such as peeling contaminated clothing off of the baby or tossing a diaper into a lake of lava. Or just for anything your too scared to touch, even with gloves on.
  9. Ignore Frank. He’s just clowning around. I’ll deal with him later.

I hope you enjoyed this article and found it useful. Next time we will discuss how to properly change a diaper.

Don’t just sit there! Go help momma with that baby!

Carry on!

New Fathers Guide to Buying Diapers!

Listen up.

 Congratulations, you’re a father. Where you as nervous as I was when you found out it didn’t come with a manual? Well never fear because I am here. No need to shake in your boots when you hear that baby howl. Follow me and you’ll be ready for any and every eventuality. Now strap on your boots and follow me! FORWARD – HARCH!

 As a father of a newborn baby, there are a few things you must know about and have access to. One of the most important items in your newly issued 782 gear, will be the diaper.

The daiper
The most important peice of equipment is the diaper.

Not just any diaper; the proper diaper. Confused? I will teach you. You will learn. And if you don’t, you will not only fail me, but you will fail that little bundle of joy. And if you think I’m hard on you, you just wait and see what she’s got in store for you. Now tighten your ruck sack and MOVE OUT!

The diaper. If there is any invention in the wide universe of fatherhood worth mentioning, this would be it. They come in many shapes and sizes. Some are reusable, others disposable. We will focus on the former since reusable diapers are not part of my forte.

 As you can see below, diapers are mostly Marine proofed already as they come clearly but sometimes confusingly marked. Lets go over them.

sizes

Diapers come in many shapes and sizes.

Most manufacturers will have a “N” designation as well as the 1-6 you see above. In the case of a premature baby, look for “premee” or the “P” designation. Now don’t get confused by the other markings such as; swaddlers, snuggler, or cruzers. That means nothing to you at this point and is really just a gimmick to get you to drain your already strained resources.

 In the eventuality that you run out of diapers, and you will, you will need to make a post-haste trip to the supermarket and as you stare up at that towering brick wall of diapers, you will in no doubt be in awe at the various and assorted brands. Some brands are superior to others, but it’s not always the ones you think. Some people prefer the Brand names. Brand names are not always superior. This will take some trial and error on your part and buying diapers is a lot like buying cars. You’ve got to test drive a few until you find the one your comfortable with.

In a pinch, go for the Huggies. I’ve tried out a few of the off brands, and to tell you the truth, they are lacking in quality and believe me, quality matters in a diaper. Now that’s not to say that off brands cannot make quality diapers. Go to Coscto and check out their brand. Now back to that wall. Move to the Huggies section and stand by.

 Each brand marks their diapers slightly differently. The picture below happens to be the Costco brand. But it will do. If you have a newborn baby, look for that “N” or “n” or even “newborn” diaper marking. If your baby is a few weeks old and has gained a few pounds and has also stretched a little, then either go for the “1” or the “1-2” depending on brand. Frank here, will show you what I mean.

size

Size 1-2 is reserved for newer babies that are slightly too large for "N" or "Newborn".

Don’t get confused by all the jumble on the packaging. The Gunny understands that there is a lot to look at there, just remember these things are already Marine proofed. Mostly. Reach for the one with the number “1” on it. It’s worth mentioning that the diaper count can also be found on the package, get the one with the amount you think your going to need and hold on to it. See that other number. Frank!

The monkey

Do not be confused by all the pretty pictures on the packaging. Ignore the monkey.

Not that one Frank. There will be no monkeying around! Now show the next one.

Weight

This is a weight comparison of the size of your baby, not how much poo it can hold.

 That’s better!

Now I know what your thinking, but that is not how much poop and pee the diaper can hold. Believe me the Gunny has tested it out already. Apparently it’s a comparison between the weight of your baby and the size of the diaper. Your baby can weigh up to fifteen pounds for this particula diaper to fit properly. This is important. Do not ignore it. If you ignore this advice, you will regret it!

Buying diapers can be confusing for the neophyte, but hopefully the Gunny has cleared some things up for you.

Stay tuned for another fascinating article on Marine proofing your baby! Next episode we will go over some of the tools of the trade and discuss what they’re for.

You may return to wasting time watching cute little kittens lick themselves.

That is all.